Do your kids lie?
While Seamus is a bit young to lie to us, verbally anyway, we have caught our sweet little Liam telling a few lies over the past year. They are generally harmless and usually along the lines of:
“I’m full” = I don’t want to eat my veggies or I want to play with my toys.
“My tummy hurts” = I want to lay on the couch and watch TV for hours.
“I have a boo-boo” = I want one of the new sparkly bandaids.
We can almost always tell when he is lying, but in a case where we are not sure, we simply ask him. Regardless of what he is lying about he always comes clean when we call him on it. Most people I know lie to avoid consequence, but that doesn’t appear to be why Liam lies, or maybe he just hasn’t reached that stage yet. We have spoken to him about lying and told him that lying is bad, especially to mom and dad. Is this really the right approach though? Is lying always a bad thing? We tell him about Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, but that isn’t a bad thing right?
I would rather have him analyze the consequences of his decisions. I want him to know that lying to mom and dad increases the consequence of something he has done wrong. He can then consider the consequences and decide whether to tell the truth or tell a lie. If he starts lying a lot or about more serious events, then it is our job as parents to make the consequences tough enough to be a deterrent. Oh and yes, I know he is only 3, but that little bugger has a lot going on up in that head and I think he can comprehend the idea. And now onto what prompted this post.
I came across an interesting article today about how kids learn to lie. Below is an excerpt from the article that I found interesting:
So when do the 98 percent who think lying is wrong become the 98 percent who lie?
It starts very young. Indeed, bright kids — those who do better on other academic indicators — are able to start lying at 2 or 3. “Lying is related to intelligence,” explains Dr. Victoria Talwar, an assistant professor at Montreal’s McGill University and a leading expert on children’s lying behavior.
Although we think of truthfulness as a young child’s paramount virtue, it turns out that lying is the more advanced skill. A child who is going to lie must recognize the truth, intellectually conceive of an alternate reality, and be able to convincingly sell that new reality to someone else. Therefore, lying demands both advanced cognitive development and social skills that honesty simply doesn’t require. “It’s a developmental milestone,” Talwar has concluded.
I’m not sure if I agree with the notion of kids who lie are more intelligent than those who don’t. I do think Liam is smart, but not because he knows how to lie.
What do you think?
Filed under: Parenthood | Tagged: consequences, intelligence, lying
so I think this is an interesting topic. Lies, for all intents and purposes, could be a negative connotation of saying the child is creative.
Rhena CONSTANTLY tells me stories of things she did when she was a little boy… like have a baby and find treasures on ships in the sea. Is it the truth? of course not. Is it creative? a little. does it mean she’s advanced??? I’m not placing any bets yet. at least not because of her story-telling abilities.
I agree with teaching cause and effect. I also believe in sparing someone’s feelings, especially when it might be my mother-in-law buying yet another outfit that will go STC (straight to consignment).
that being said… I can HONESTLY say I have never officially ‘taught’ rhena that it’s wrong to lie. She does, however, know she better tell me the truth when I ask her for it.
My husband and I have this thing where we can lie but when asked directly “Are you lying?” you have to be truthful. So, if I’m trying on a new pair of pants and the “Do these make my butt look big?” question is asked and I’m skeptical of the “Of course not,” answer I would most likely get, I can ask “Are you lying?” and he has to tell me the truth. This might be a difficult process to explain to a kid, though.